Creating a peaceful new world
Dean Van Leuven
Issue date: 2/4/10 Section: Opinion
Have you ever wondered why you can't forgive some one else, yourself or let go of the anger to do it? We can always come up with a reason why we should not forgive. The most common one is "it was their fault - they deserve my anger," or, "I'm to blame - how can I ever forgive myself?"
Our society teaches us that people should pay for their mistakes, whether they are intentional, or not. This comes from the ancient idea of "an eye for an eye." We have been taught that when we are wronged, we must punish the wrongdoer, and that "such behavior just cannot be tolerated - you must pay for it," and "the guilty must be caught and punished."
Raised with such societal beliefs about guilt and punishment, we think we must make others suffer as punishment for having offended us. We believe we must return the hurt to get even, but thinking in this way produces an emotional response rather than an effective reasoned response that allows us to maximize our life experience. We would be more effective if our primary focus was on preventing more of this kind of behavior instead of on making someone pay for his or her mistakes.
Someone may have killed a loved one of ours in an unfortunate automobile accident. Regardless of whether it was carelessness, or not even the other person's fault, we find it difficult to forgive them. If you cannot forgive, that person now has power over you. He or she is controlling your life in a very negative way. As long as you hold the anger, you are continuing to be hurt. This is a bit like being sick and saying to the doctor, "I want to keep this pain, so please don't make me well."
The lesson is that forgiveness is for your own benefit and has nothing to do with what the other person did and whether you are letting them off the hook or not.
Our society teaches us that people should pay for their mistakes, whether they are intentional, or not. This comes from the ancient idea of "an eye for an eye." We have been taught that when we are wronged, we must punish the wrongdoer, and that "such behavior just cannot be tolerated - you must pay for it," and "the guilty must be caught and punished."
Raised with such societal beliefs about guilt and punishment, we think we must make others suffer as punishment for having offended us. We believe we must return the hurt to get even, but thinking in this way produces an emotional response rather than an effective reasoned response that allows us to maximize our life experience. We would be more effective if our primary focus was on preventing more of this kind of behavior instead of on making someone pay for his or her mistakes.
Someone may have killed a loved one of ours in an unfortunate automobile accident. Regardless of whether it was carelessness, or not even the other person's fault, we find it difficult to forgive them. If you cannot forgive, that person now has power over you. He or she is controlling your life in a very negative way. As long as you hold the anger, you are continuing to be hurt. This is a bit like being sick and saying to the doctor, "I want to keep this pain, so please don't make me well."
The lesson is that forgiveness is for your own benefit and has nothing to do with what the other person did and whether you are letting them off the hook or not.
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